Treat or Treat
by asprosdrakos
Summary: An attempt at comedy, only about two and a half months late for it to be appropriate.


Trick or Treat  
  
Warnings: Silliness. Lots of it. Massive OOC. Clichés either shredded or used, depending on where it suits. This fanfic comes off as kind of like Excel Saga: CLAMP version.  
  
Should have been posted at Halloween, but is not, obviously. It's been sitting on my hard drive for a while, so I figured I'd dust it off at see what everyone thought of it.  
  
------  
  
Kanoe moved quietly throughout the lower bowels of the headquarters of the Dragons of Earth. It was cold for the end of September, and the refrigerated air did not make matters any easier.  
  
Then again, the significant lack of clothing on didn't help things much either. At all. She walked stealthily, like a tiger stalking its prey, looking for someone. Two someones, although the second was rarely ever present anyway. Perhaps Kanoe was hoping to get lucky.  
  
Whatever the reason, the fates smiled on her that night for as she turned into the last room both Seishirou Sakurazuka and Fuuma "/Kamui/" Monou were there, almost waiting for her. Kanoe opened her mouth, perhaps preparing to deliver some scrap of stolen dream information, perhaps to offer some not-so-cleverly disguised innuendo, or perhaps just to say "Yo" with Cryptic Apocalyptic Overtones.  
  
Unfortunately, the world was denied these pearls of diction as Kanoe slipped on what would appear to be a large amount of grease, placed for some reason on the floor directly in front of the doorway. Now, if circumstances had been better, Kanoe might have kept her balance, even in a skimpy dress and high heels. Alas, it was not to be, as the massive counterweights kicked in and Kanoe fell, borne down to the ground by the pull of gravity on her chest.  
  
Fuuma and Seishirou briefly regarded this scene (the former shifting ever so slightly to the left to hide the label on large can behind him, which now read "loor Gre") and then, as if some unseen signal had passed between the two of them, they spoke:  
  
"Two points."  
  
And they were gone into the night, with only the wind and faint sound of cursing on the air to mark their passing.  
  
-----  
  
In Fuuma's pocket lies a scrap of paper. On this paper are items that would be a part of a shopping list, if one were inclined to live on raw eggs for the next three months. Other items on this list include:  
  
Silly String  
  
Shaving Cream  
  
Toilet Paper  
  
Flour  
  
Burlap  
  
All of these items were tucked away in Seishirou's maboroshi, in a bag that Seishirou had given Fuuma access to. You'd think you couldn't keep much in a maboroshi other than Dragons of Earth/Heaven, a tree, big rocks, enough petals to drown Poland or one abnormally skinny, clinically depressed Onmyoujyou, but you would be wrong. Illusionary spaces have great storage capacity: it was essential in a trade where one had to look good and soak the left sleeve of expensive trench coats in blood on a daily basis.  
  
One day, Fuuma swore he would figure out how the Sakurazukamori generated the electricity for a washer, dryer and iron board in what was illusionary black void with a tree, but he thought it best to let it slide for now. Perhaps it was a special tree in more ways than one.  
  
Besides, it served their purposes. They were stocked, they were set, and there would be no mercy.  
  
Woe betide Clamp Campus, the Academy that has invoked the wrath of Fuuma and Seishirou on Halloween.  
  
-----  
  
Kamui Shirou felt justified in his angst, for today was Halloween, and it was supposed to be a scary, depressing night, right? Surely the fact that Sorata has shoved a plastic snake in his face and he had jumped and screamed like a girl had nothing to do with it. Of course not.  
  
Not even the fact that Subaru witnessed the whole event, or that Aoki and Karen were there, and god, someone might have taken a picture.  
  
"All right! All right! So I'm pissed about that, are you happy now, you stupid subconscious!"  
  
Replete, Kamui's subconscious sank back to the depths of his mind, taking the incident and the brooding with it. Suddenly, Kamui felt a lot better.  
  
//Wow.maybe I should yell more, instead of just standing there and angsting.//  
  
"Having fun, Kamui?"  
  
The dark velvet voice next to his shoulder made Kamui jump, scream like a girl, and turn around.  
  
"Fuuma.what are you.how did you get here?"  
  
Fuuma smirked, and suddenly began to shift. Kamui squinted and instead of him, there was Seishirou Sakurazuka. Kamui squinted again, and Fuuma was there, the presence of Seishirou hanging over him like a shroud of pink Sakura petals.  
  
"Fuuma.?"  
  
"Do you like it, Kamui-kun? I have appeared this way because you wish it- No, wait never mind. I appeared this way to get past security."  
  
Discarding the fact that Fuuma had suddenly acquired the ability to look like two people at once, Kamui focused on the important matter.  
  
"But, Fuuma, the Sakurazukamori wouldn't be allowed in either."  
  
Fuuma looked thoughtful. "True, hang on a second."  
  
Shifting again, Seishirou was gone and a heavy, muscular man presence pervaded Fuuma's. The man's bushy eyebrows overshadowed Fuuma's own, and he was lost within the man's larger form.  
  
"Ummm.I don't think he'd work either."  
  
"Damn.hold on.I know I used someone to get by the security.ah!"  
  
Fuuma shifted for the third time, and at the sight of Keiichi's blond hair and cheerful smile superimposed over Fuuma's smirk, Kamui fainted.  
  
Keiichi-Fuuma smirked. Well, Keiichi smirked and Fuuma smirked harder. Pulling out his bag, he got to work.  
  
-----  
  
From the start, Subaru knew this would not be a good night. Oh sure, the snake incident with Kamui was amusing enough, but now the boy would have to balance out the one moment of humiliation with /days/ of angst.  
  
Such angst could rival him on a good day, and he had thought that he had no rival in angst.  
  
//I mean, even if Kamui is becoming more and more like my Minnie-me (Or, maybe just my skinny-me) I had to angst for nine years, dammit! He's only had a few months of angst. His angst can have no power over me!//  
  
As absorbed in his thoughts as Subaru was, he didn't see the shikigami flying at his face until it was too late. The astral eagle stalled in the air before him, and Subaru was just about to pull out some of his Ofuda from Trench coat-space when the bird dropped the bag it was carrying directly on his head.  
  
The bag filled with flour imploded on contact, drenching the Onmyoujyou in the white powder. Subaru sputtered as it got in his nostrils, clogging his air passageway.  
  
//What the-!//  
  
If Subaru hadn't been choking and sputtering for dear life, he might have noticed the distinct scent of Sakura blossom in the air that heralded the arrival of the one and only Sakurazukamori. However, conditions being as they were, he only realized this when aforementioned assassin placed his fingers under Subaru's chin, drawing his eyes up to meet the taller man's.  
  
Subaru's eyes opened wide in shock and he coughed violently from the surprise. By the nature of coughing, an action that forces air out of the lungs, Subaru also forced a good deal of flour out of his lungs, blowing it all over the Sakurazukamori.  
  
The Onmyoujyou went even whiter, if that's possible for a man who has the complexion of a corpse on a good day and is now covered in flour.  
  
Seishirou registered the fact that there was flour all over his immaculate and rather expensive suit. His face didn't change and his hands didn't move, but the air between the too became charged.  
  
"You know, Subaru-kun, unlike you a take great pride in being the best-dressed magician out there."  
  
Subaru glared at him. Chuckling at the dark look, Seishirou continued.  
  
"Because, honestly, wouldn't you want to know that the hand that shoved through your heart belonged to someone as immaculate as I? I always thought it gave my victims a sense of vengeance that in there death they force me to clean blood of very expensive fabric."  
  
Subaru found his voice. "Seishirou-san, sorry to disappoint you, but no one thinks about things like that when they have a hand stuck through their chest, you psycho."  
  
"Oh, I'm insane now, am I? Such words, Subaru-kun. I would think you don't like me anymore."  
  
Subaru growled out the next sentence. "And heaven forbid you think that, you Sado-Masochist obsessed freak! Let go of me!"  
  
Seishirou did not, and if anything his habitual smirk became wider.  
  
"You know, Subaru-kun, that last comment of yours has just given me the /best/ idea."  
  
Whatever comment Subaru had to make after that did not find its way into coherent thought for quite some time.  
  
-----  
  
When Kamui woke up, it was before dawn. With a start he glanced wildly about the room, and seeing no Fuuma, he relaxed.  
  
However, his room was a /mess/. Their was silly string and shaving cream all over the place, and he was pretty sure he saw what looked like toilet paper trailing from an adjacent tree. Fuuma had really done a number on the place.  
  
//At least he's gone, and I managed to get through meeting him without having my neck fondled.I swear I should just wear high collars all the time around that guy.Hey what's written on the wall.//  
  
And indeed, there was something written - poorly - on the wall, in shaving cream. Standing, he walked toward it, sounding out the mangled writing as he went.  
  
"I...am.a.giant.Uk-hey!"  
  
"Oh, Kamui, you're not going to tell me it's not true, now are you?"  
  
Kamui spun around and found Fuuma gazing back at him with a smirk that promised no good.  
  
//Dammit, I knew I should have checked the dark and shadowy corner!//  
  
All his hindsight would not help as Fuuma would toward him with the grace of a large, sadistic and rather perverted feline with a neck fetish.  
  
"I bet that I can prove my statement right, Kamui."  
  
Kamui "eeped" slightly as one hand closed around his neck. He could still breathe, but this promised to be anything but pleasant.  
  
----  
  
When Kamui next awoke, it was morning, and his neck felt decidedly sore. Going around the room, he checked all dark and shadowy corners before relaxing on his bed.  
  
//He left me alive and intact.okay, with a bruised neck, but intact all the same.I wonder why.//  
  
A shout came from the hallway.  
  
"What happened out there! It looks like a broken Kekkai.Subaru-san, are you alright.you're all covered in white!"  
  
Yes, Kamui decided, it had been a decidedly weird night.  
  
"And why are you limping like that? Are you injured, Subaru-san? Are you all right?? Subaru-san!!"  
  
A very weird night indeed.  
  
----  
  
Author's notes  
  
This would have been a lot more amusing had I posted it around Halloween, but oh well. It's my attempt at humor/parody, at any rate. Hoped you enjoyed. 


End file.
